Today’s Gchat moment is only one sentence long and only because it actually worked in context of a serious discussion about the role of different jobs and industries and how many of them, including mine, only exist because humans fail to be honest, direct and trustworthy:
In my socialist utopia, there’s a place for Guy Fieri
Also, it gives me an excuse to post this Conan clip.
More Gchat fun…now!
me: Give me some credit. i have a cousin that wants to get married next year. I’m gayer than you.
AW: touche
me: Suck it, hetero
AW: I do, on occasion…BOOM.Besides, I think the preferred pejorative is “breeder”
me: Nice. I stick with handies because anyone can give one…except amputees. Or, in this case, amputease.
AW: /standing, applauding
You’re welcome, Obama.
If you ask me, this whole Travolta thing is already funnier than the Mel Gibson comedy of yesteryear. I won’t go into any of the particulars in this post, but there is one very important, under-reported detail that needs to shouted from the mountain tops:
”There was an overweight black man preparing hamburgers, who meekly said ‘hey.’”
What the heck? Now, I’m no expert on pressuring people to blow you (my closest thing to a theory is the Dennis implication speech about boats), but I can’t imagine having a meek chef in the on deck circle is the way to go. And why does it matter if he is black? That only raises more questions: does the plaintiff and his lawyers want us to picture William Perry or Darrell from The Office or is this more of a LeVar Burton thing? Also, is the hamburger a recovery snack or fuel for the horrible twists and turns to come?
FINALLY, WHY CAN’T THIS MAN BE CONFIDENT? You’ve got Vinny Barbarino paying you good money for your skills. The man is a pilot and a Hollywood icon — you’ve arrived in what I imagine is a pretty elite spot for the average run-of-the-mill mobile burger chef, so embrace it. Perhaps this man is the Prince of burgers — talented beyond measure and shy around strangers?
No matter the answers, I say goodnight wherever you are, sweet burger prince. We all know you didn’t ask for this.
AW: Oh I don’t know, it’s just funny cuz it’s dumb, but yeah, you’d probably appreciate it more if you were gay… or had a vag
If God didn’t want me to stay up until 3:30 am playing Super Nintendo the Sunday after a long weekend of Cinco de Mayo and a wedding, he wouldn’t have sent me to a used game store, bought me $60 worth of old games like Super Tecmo Bowl and NHL 94 and then carried the smaller TV downstairs Himself so I could watch my stories while I played.
Thanks a lot, Big Guy. Really struggling at work today.
PS: I’m 30.
I’ve touched on this before on Twitter, but I’m fairly certain Wild World is the greatest, most sophisticated “Hey, fuck off” song ever written.
It starts so simple:
Now that I’ve lost everything to you,
you say you want to start something new,
and it’s breaking my heart you’re leaving,
baby I’m grieving.
The set up is just your standard, whining girl-is-gone ballad. That’s probably why the world let Mr. Big cover the song in the 1990s, it just sort of sing-songs you through a breakup with some melancholy chords and you don’t really have to listen to the words. But, if you take some time to listen, you get the angry sentiments of a person who knows the unique experience of getting dicked over and carefully crafts a specific and biting takedown. Observe.
But if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you have a lot of nice things to wear,
but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,
it’s hard to get by just upon a smile.
In short, the world is big and scary and the tiny idea you have of it from the little bubble you lived in has not prepared you to truly face it alone. Keep looking pretty, because outside of the temporary boost of appearances, you are as ill-prepared as a eunuch at an orgy.
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.
You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it’s breaking my heart in two,
cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don’t be a bad girl,
Like a child…this isn’t about her being sweet or innocent it, it’s about the fact that this girl is an immature kid who didn’t know what she had or what she is now doing. She doesn’t have the experience or perspective needed to survive without being someone else’s plaything. This is much worse than saying “hey, you’ll regret leaving me,” this is telling her that she is the equivalent of a declawed Tabby making a run into the coyote-filled woods. Even calling her a whore or something along those lines still implies she can chose to do something, this is just damning her to a life of utter despair.
but if you want to leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware
So, in short, best of luck, but remember, you are screwed and likely going to end up unhappy, miserable and giving handies to survive. There is no way that is accurate for any breakup - I mean, if you’re dumb enough to be with someone who physically couldn’t survive with you, you are either abusing a mental patient or just stupid.
I started reading a bunch of articles about how sexist this song was and I’m torn. I can see the logic, but you since it was written about an actual young model who basically did owe a lot of her appeal to her looks, I get his angry sentiment. [PS: DON JOHNSON!] Also, if you go listen to Kelly Clarkson, Adele or 400 other bold lady artists, you get the same sentiments in reverse and you’ll never question if the content is fair. It’s a breakup song, it fills an angry need and if you ask me, it is the best mainstream one of all time. As for the sexism, I actually think the song has a good good lesson. If you’re a guy, don’t date a girl you obviously always thought so little of and if you are a girl, put your identity and independence first. It’s not as danceable as Beyonce queefing about a box to the left, but it gives you something to chew on.
I missed my bus this morning, because of course I did, and got to chill in an empty bus station by myself for two hours. We Are Young played on the radio twice and I can now testify that nothing makes you feel less youthful and vibrant than sitting alone in a bus station, drinking watery coffee and listening to We Are Young.
And now for a new thing where I randomly write a paragraph about songs I hear during the work day…
I saw Ben Folds last Friday and forgot how great this song is. It has everything - it’s depressing as hell without leaving me bummed out PLUS he says a swear. Plus, it makes me turn inward, which I don’t do nearly enough and then I get to realize what a fucking idiot I am for briefly romanticizing about a hard lump on my side I found last fall. I didn’t want to get sick or anything, but I think deep down there is a small part of us that is fascinated by drama and how we would experience it while generating sympathy.
This song reminds me of that, but then it also slaps me in the face and tells me to be thankful and not be such a dick - at least in my own head. I am fairly certain none of this is what Ben and Nick intended, but that’s why I have the Tumblr with 3 followers and they don’t.
This site is really just the absolute best.
(Source: oldpeoplefacebook)
UNSUNG CHILDHOOD HEROES
This morning, I was humming a tune to myself as I got ready. After a second, I realized it was the theme song to Mr. Belvedere.
Why am I sharing this? Because in middle school I had a best friend named Qualyn. We played a lot of basketball together and I don’t think I really understood he was black until some kids at the mall told us he was a “Carlton sell out” and a year later he got mad at me for listening to Pantera. All of those moments make much more sense now, but not when we met girls each week at the FT mall shooting game.
Anyway, he was awesome and one of the first things he did was tell me to replace the opening lyric to this song with “Big fat vagina.”
Kills me every single time. Thanks, Qualyn, wherever you are.
